Thursday's Thoughts on...GUILT!

Please tell me I am not the only person who struggles with “mommy guilt.” If you have it, you know exactly what I mean.  How do you juggle kids, husband, housework, meal prep, laundry, church responsibilities, kids’ activities, work and still fit in a really good workout 5 times a week?  It just seems like there is never enough time in the day. 

I only work part time, and I feel like I will NEVER catch up on everything that needs to be accomplished.  I have NO idea how I would manage if I worked full time.  I tip my hat to you ladies.  In my opinion, you are ROCK STARS!!!  Because we can’t afford day care and I work from home, my work hours are after 8 pm or before 7 am.  To complicate that situation, I have recently undertaken a business venture that has consumed A LOT of my time with meetings, planning and more computer time.  A good chunk of that work ends up happening “after hours” as well due to my husband’s long workdays.  Needless to say, I’m not getting as much sleep as I really want to get, and all of my work is not getting done during those “ideal” hours.  More often than not, I am at my desk working for several hours after my kids get up in the morning.  They spend some of that time watching TV and the rest of it destroying my house.  By the time I make it out of the office, there is a house to reclaim (from the previously mentioned destroying), laundry to do, dishes to wash, meals to prepare, bathrooms to clean, floors to scrub, appointments to go to, groceries to buy, errands to run (you get the picture).   Herein is where the guilt lies.  In the midst of all of those things that need to be done, I feel guilty taking another hour for myself to exercise.  (And let’s be honest, it never really lasts just an hour by the time you get dressed, drive to the gym, workout, come home and shower).  I feel selfish and think that I should be devoting my free time to reading with my kids, playing with them, creating fun crafts that we’ve found on Pinterest and enjoying that quality time. 

I know that my schedule is hard on my kids…especially my two year old.  Recently, she has become clingy and whiney and wants to sit on my lap while I work (which is not conducive to me getting things done).  She stands beside my chair, crying with her arms reaching towards me, saying, “Hold it…hold it!”  Last week she started crying when I was walking down the hall to my office, fell to the ground and yelled, “MOMMY…NO…OFFICE!”  Yeah, the guilt-o-meter pretty much exploded in that moment.

And then there is all the time that I’m not spending with my husband.  He gets home from work at 8 and I generally head straight to work or to a meeting.  Before I started working, that was “our” time.  We would hang out in the evenings talking, watching TV and relaxing together.  Now, I sit in my office while he hangs out in the other room.  He is the most supportive man.  He encourages me to work hard for the things I want and always tries to accommodate my exercise needs.  He is my biggest fan and my best friend and it’s been an adjustment trying to figure out how to carve out time for each other.  Last night when I crawled into bed after a late meeting, he rolled over and simply said, “I miss you.”  Again, with the guilt…

There are people in my life who think that the amount of time I dedicate to fitness is too much.  They don’t see it as important or essential and don’t understand that for me it is about much more than just looking good.  It makes me FEEL good.  I’m more patient, energetic, kind, happy and less anxious, but the judgment still eats at me and adds to the guilt I already place on myself.

I have tried exercising WITH my kids, but their attention spans are super short and they are easily bored.  I’ve tried riding bikes with the older kids, but I have a road bike and it ends up being an exercise in not falling over because I’m riding slow enough for them to keep up.  They always say they want to run with me, but that really means they want me to watch them run around in the front yard (which is fun, but doesn’t give me the calorie burn I’m looking for).  And, if I’m being completely honest, part of the enjoyment that I get from exercise comes from doing it without being interrupted to wipe someone’s bum or kiss yet another “owie.”  Yes, it’s selfish…and yes, I feel guilty about it…and no, I haven’t found the perfect balance that doesn’t leave me feeling like I’m constantly putting out fires, but never really being great at any one thing.

I was planning to end this post here, but my husband just read through it and told me that it was too depressing and I needed to finish with something motivational (so you can thank him for this post being even longer than it already is).  He also expressed his feelings about my self-inflicted guilt and made some important points that are already helping me feel more deserving of the time I devote to myself.  Hmmm…maybe we should have talked about this a long time ago!!

First, he let me know that neither he nor the kids resent the time I spend working towards my personal goals.   He knows that I am happier when I exercise and feels like I am better at all of my other “jobs” when I take that time to work out.  He knows how much pressure that I put on myself to juggle all my responsibilities and to do it flawlessly, but there is no such thing as the “perfect balance.”  Something always has to give, and he would rather have a little bit of quality time with me than a whole lot of crappy time.  We talked about an episode of The Biggest Loser that I saw where the doctor was asking one of the contestants, “If you had Lymphoma, you’d devote the two hours a day to chemo and other treatments that you needed, wouldn’t you?”  Of course, we would all say YES to that.  And that is what our loved ones would insist that we do as well.  Achieving and maintaining a strong, healthy, vibrant body is just as important as recovering from an illness.  It’s vital to me that my kids understand that their bodies require proper nutrition, exercise and rest in order to function properly.   Justin’s final point was, “When you get on a plane and the flight attendant is giving you emergency instructions, she always tells you to put your own mask on first before helping those around you.”  This makes sense because, of course, you can’t help someone else if you’re dead.  If exercise is my way of "putting on my oxygen mask first", then I am able to return to my family better equipped to lift, inspire, encourage, motivate, teach, learn from and love those around me.

Valerie

This is also a really good read for those of you who suffer from "mommy guilt."  20 things moms don't need to feel guilty about!